Six months ago during the summer of 2012, I began to change my life because I wanted to… no, because I needed to. I had to change something or I was going to implode on my self, explode on everyone around me, and all-in-all self-destruct. Scroll down to the first title in bold, if you wish to skip my story.
I felt this way because I had lost hope. Hope is the belief in the possibility of what you desire, and is the last remaining sediment when all other parts of a life or a dream have been boiled off. I had found myself standing outside behind the house of apartments where I live, smoking a cigarette. The weather was warm and I was shivering… shaking so badly I couldn’t even fit my hand in my pocket for my keys. The pit in my stomach was so strong and deep it could have swallowed the earth, the moon, and the rest of the solar system. I felt an overwhelming sense of nausea and sadness. I kept choking back vurps as tears rolled down my face and my body convulsed intensely without control. I felt a weakness all through my body and the risk of collapsing where I stood. Instead, I moved to the smoking bench I placed in back, and I got there just in time. My eyes couldn’t focus, my heart was racing so hard that I felt hot and my chest hurt, my hands felt like plastic limbs, and I gasped for air just trying to breath.
Am I having a heart attack? Can I manage to call 911? How can I get to a hospital? My mind was zooming at warp speed, scattered and dashing for anything that I could understand.
I understand, now, I had suffered a breakdown.
For months afterward, I was unable to stay at work. I burned through a lot of sick days and vacation days. I failed to do any work with my fitness customers because I was a fitness coach. My depression was deeper than a bad country song.
My self-image had been incredibly self-deprecating for more than a decade. Despite moments of precise clarity and some teenage years of perfect social presentation, a battle waged internally continued to devastate and demoralize the populous and infrastructure of my self identity.
Around September 2012, my life changed through chance, serendipity, a cosmic explosion, or accident. I wasn’t just dragging myself along anymore. Someone in the vast world of strangers believed I had something significant to contribute. They wanted me for their business. I hadn’t asked, but I was looking.
I became… the executive.
This change in self-perception resulted in a drastic, over-night change in how I dress, how I thought, how I conducted myself with others, how others accepted me… it resulted in a total change in my state, or being, inside and out. This is drastic because I have never been more than a lower-level laborer at every workplace, and I unknowingly reflected that image at all times everywhere I went.
I suddenly poured as much money as I could, sometimes over stretching my budget, into tools to develop myself into the executive I needed to be at this new prospective job. What I discovered was that I was investing in the executive that I already am. The feelings of success at my fingertips, hope over flowing with absolute belief and clear vision, the confidence of achievement… it was all self-image. Now, it is a process of sharing this with the rest of the world.
Let me share with you what I share with my guy friends who’s feminine counterpart has gotten the better of them.
You are not look for permission. You are not looking for approval. You have evaluated the information at-hand and have kept in mind all important considerations, and you are being decisive in action that you believe is best within your governing values and vision/goals. Everybody else, including [her and] your friends and family, can follow or leave, but you are strong and consistent in walking your path.
3 New Things We Are Thankful For
- The prospective of a management job, and the company’s action of blowing me off after the initial contact.
- Shift change and a week off from work has given me a relaxing and free time with family and friends.
- The people who support me (giving me fuel), and the people who say I can’t do it (giving me fire).
Journal 1 positive experience in the past 24 hours
A very close friend of mine has been suffering from depression for years, and I have had to watch it worsen and worsen. It takes its toll on me, and I do what I can to help. Most of the time I simply provide a positive support. Periodically, I will try to make a change, and I will fail as many times as I try. However, I am very happy that something I shared has made a difference. I have shared links to videos, books, webpages, and all kinds of stuff that I hope will grab my friend’s interest. But, it took watching a serious of TED Talks videos before making a difference. He enjoyed the series of videos, and then “stumbled” across a video with information to help find happiness. For his birthday, I bought him the book written by the speaker.
Exercise – because our behavior matters
My only exercise during this mini-vacation at a friend’s house has been chasing my son around his mother’s house and the play area at the mall, and chasing my friend-host’s dog around the house and yard. Doesn’t sound like much, but it is more intense than 1 hour of P90X!
Meditation – to clear our mind
At night, in the quiet stillness of a dark living room, I allow the pond of my mind to reflect upon the day and the greater meaning. Each night while visiting, I have been able to do this. Although I have gotten little work done while here, I have gotten more meditation, relaxation, and fun in this environment than I normally would at home.
Acts of Kindness
Acts of kindness is the hardest part for me to share because I often have difficulty picking an act of kindness. Which is it? Was it good enough? Is that really an act of kindness or something I do normally? So, I got help from my host.
I am told that I am an enjoyable houseguest who is easy to invite back again.